General Mattis Takes ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Retired Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis joined a growing number of Americans by taking part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge on Sunday, sources confirmed.

In a video uploaded to YouTube and later posted to Facebook, the former commander of Central Command turned academic is seen sitting in a folding camp chair next to a small swimming pool. As is customary for the event — which is meant to raise money for the ALS Foundation — Mattis begins by mentioning who nominated him to take the challenge before issuing his own.

“I guess I should thank Gen. Lloyd Austin, the commander of U.S. Central Command, for issuing this challenge,” Mattis said. “I guess this is his way of getting back at me for leaving him with an AOR that looks more like the inside of a well-used porta-shitter than a regional command, but hell, he’s a big boy, he should be able to handle it."

He continued: “I challenge Admiral Bill McRaven as he leaves SOCOM because he’s going to have to get used to taking cold showers staring at those coeds in Texas." Mattis then seems to mutter something sounding about “lazy goddamn squids,” but the audio is hard to understand.

Mattis also challenged Vice President Joe Biden, reasoning that "he's a dick and I don’t like him much." Mattis' final challenge came to Gen. James Amos, the Commandant of the Marine Corps.

“And last I’m calling out ‘Little Jimmy’ Amos. I'm doing that because I hear he sleeps at his desk and this will wake him up ... unless it gives him a freakin’ heart attack.”

In a related story from last month, Amos had refused to do the challenge but had ordered Mattis to do it, apparently not understanding the rules.

To top off the video, Mattis then called for the ice water — roughly 10 gallons of it — which was poured over his head by an unidentified person wearing a Chesty Puller mask and a woman who appeared to be Christie Brinkley. The dousing lasted for almost a minute with the water and ice cubes cascading down over Mattis’ head and body, as the general remained completely still and quiet.

Several moments after the soaking ended, Mattis looked around. “Is that it?” he asked. “Jesus Christ, I do that every morning before I brush my teeth and shave."

Sources confirmed that after the video was filmed, Mattis threatened the camera crew and told them to leave his house immediately, or else he would kill them all with nothing more than his knife hands.

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