‘I’ll keep my remarks short,’ CO says before hour-long speech

OKINAWA, Japan — The commanding officer of 1st Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment recently told his Marines that he would keep his remarks short before giving an hour-long speech, sources confirmed today.

"I'm not going to take up too much of your time here," Lt. Col. Daniel Micklis said, before taking up an hour of their time. "But I just want to tell you what a great job you guys have been doing and how proud I am of all of you."

According to sources, Micklis had assembled the battalion on the parade deck of Camp Hansen in Okinawa, Japan to discuss the unit's recent successes in training.

"I gotta say, I was out there in the training area with Alpha Company the other day, and I was very, very impressed," Micklis said, prompting a number of Marines in Alpha to look over at him briefly before staring at the ground and contemplating how much alcohol they would drink this weekend to make the pain go away.

The commander went on to discuss each company's training efforts in detail, the overall mission of the battalion, the weather in Okinawa, the recent Super Bowl, hazing, carnival ride operators, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, social media policies, and staying safe on liberty, according to multiple sources.

"Alright gents, I'm sorry if I went a little over on time, but I just want to let you know before you fall out that you're doing a fine job out there," Micklis said, turning to his enlisted counterpart. "Okay, sergeant major, do you have anything to add?"

At press time, the Marines were still on the parade deck being praised by the chaplain and the family readiness officer, before being given a reenlistment pitch by the career planner.