Mattis assures Air Force it will still be loved after Space Force is born

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Air Force has been acting out at school recently, Duffel Blog has learned.

“I think the little tyke is just anxious about the arrival of the newest little bundle of death and destruction,” said a radiant Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, referring to the U.S. Space Force. “It’s normal for kids their age to be jealous when they have to share dominance of the aerial battle space.”

The service allegedly broke several of its airplanes in a tantrum after hearing President Trump’s announcement last month. Reports indicate that the organization has also begun a phase of emotional regression, marked by a fixation on strategic bombing theory and intercepting Soviet missiles.

Historical records show that a postwar Army struggled similarly when Air Force was born.

“I felt threatened at first,” said Army, “But there are those moments that make you proud to be an older brother, like his first home run in a foreign air war or when he tries to act like you by dressing in OCP ACUs.”

Mattis says that he plans to heavily involve Air Force in making preparations for its baby brother like picking out uniforms, setting up the bases, and maybe even sharing an enlisted rank structure.

“You’ve got to be honest with them,” Mattis continued, “Let them know that you just can’t give them the attention and funding you used to, but that doesn’t mean you’ll love them any less.”