'This Is The Most Important Training Of Your Career,' Says Chief Teaching Pointless Class

NORFOLK, VA — Junior sailors onboard the USS Wasp are listening intently as Damage Controlman Chief Jose Cortez stresses the importance of learning about something they will never hear about again, sources confirmed today.

“This is incredibly important,” Cortez says while holding up The Thing, a piece of equipment that isn't even worth describing in deta…