SAN DIEGO, CA — In a harsh and stunning display of martial discipline, Navy officials have reported that in response to numerous disciplinary infractions aboard the hospital ship USNS Mercy, they had not only relieved the ship's commander, but also had him keelhauled.
“My actions have greatly shamed and discredited the Navy and were prejudicial to good order and discipline,” Capt. Donald Otis monotonously recited at his sentencing. He then reportedly gulped a hearty swig of rum and forlornly sighed, moments before being tossed over the side of the Mercy and dragged along the bottom.
Otis was found guilty of fraud, racketeering, and treason for his involvement in the Glenn Defense Marine bribery scandal. In lieu of the expected brig time or a reduction in rank an exasperated court, also dealing with ten other related cases, returned the surprisingly harsh sentence.
Capt. Rafael Hooks delivered the sentence in court, nonchalantly twirling his mustache with his prosthetic hook: “Avast ye scalawag, fer taken bribes and Lady Gaga tickets, ye shall be taken from this court and keelhauled over the side into Davy Jones' locker, savvy?”
Hooks’ parrot, perched on his shoulder, then squawked, “Davy Jones! Davy Jones! Brawwwwk!”
Jurors let out a unanimous "Arrr" as Otis' wrists and ankles were deftly bound together and his booty escorted belowdecks to Hooks' stateroom.
Co-conspirators Michael Vannak Khem Misiewicz and Jose Luis Sanchez are expected to walk the plank sometime in the next week, as soon as the kraken can be summoned from its feast off the shores of the Philippines.
Navy officials hope the unusual punishment will send a warning message to other potential wrongdoers.
In related news, a junior sailor was awarded thirty-seven lashes for plugging a personal device into a government computer and a fighter pilot was awarded the Navy Achievement Medal for shooting down another F/A-18 Super Hornet.
Duffel Blog Staff Writer G-Had contributed to this report.