BAHRAIN — In an attack that has his entire chain of command scratching its heads, Marine Sgt. Cliff Smith committed a heinous war crime despite the fact that he shaved everyday.
“I just don’t get it,” said his battalion Sgt. Maj. Mike Hofstra. “Sgt. Smith always has the cleanest shave and most finely pressed uniforms, yet he slaughtered half a dozen innocent civilians as if those things don’t even matter when determining someone’s performance in combat. Perhaps this could have been prevented if we had just done a few more uniform inspections.”
Smith’s fellow Marines noted that he always completed his annual training on time and got a fresh high-and-tight haircut every Monday morning. However, they say his general hostility towards other cultures and tendency to brutally torture and kill small animals did raise some red flags.
“Yeah, so he would occasionally cut off raccoons’ heads and put them in boots’ beds in the middle of the night, but his uniforms were always squared away,” said Sgt. Tyler Williams. “But how could we have guessed that someone who adhered so strictly to grooming standards could do something so horrible?”
Smith’s leaders have responded by increasing discipline in the unit, requiring Marines to shave after every meal, and inspecting haircuts hourly.
“After this terrible tragedy, it’s obvious that shaving once a day wasn’t enough to prevent our Marines from committing war crimes,” said Hofstra. “The obvious answer was to make them shave constantly. I don’t care if you’re on patrol, in the middle of a firefight, or being evacuated for a gunshot wound to the chest, I better not see any stubble on that face.”
He added, “I believe it was Dan Daly who once said ‘shaving is continuous.’”