Influx of barracks tiger cubs as stimulus checks arrive
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Wooooooweeee! The barracks is starting to look like that bitch Carole Baskin’s house. We got five live tigers up in this place, ya’all. And it’s awesome as hell.
Holy shit, did those stimulus checks come at the right damn time. Did you know a tiger is only worth two stimulus checks?! Yeah, we didn’t either until we watched Tiger King.
Jeff Lowe and that super chill hippy cult leader Bhagavan “Doc” Antle both know what we’re talking about. Did you know that you can lure a potential lifemate if you have a tiger in your barracks room?!
Wayyy better than all the dancers we’ve been trying to marry. Well. I mean. Dancers are still an option. In fact—man, Tina’s been shutting me down for a good year now. I bet Tina ain’t ever pet a tiger before.
Now, times are hard in the barracks. Our livers are human livers, not tiger livers. And this whole lockdown has sucked a bag full of Joe Exotic Prince Albert locks.
But you know, we’ll get through this. And our tigers will, too.
If those folks in Tiger King can get through all that crazy shit, I'm pretty sure we can make it through all this. I mean, dude, the barracks ain't as wild as Joe Exotic's zoo.
Update: Tina and I are engaged! Hell yeah, ya’all! Guess who’s going to be moving out of the barracks next weekend? This guy!!!!!!1!!!!1!