Intel Officer Plans To Kill Next Soldier Who Uses 'Afghani' Incorrectly

FORT BRAGG — The longest war in American history hasn't been perfect. With a failed surge, uncooperative puppet president, and a determined enemy, frustration runs deep in the Department of Defense. But one battalion intelligence officer has had enough.

Capt. Peter Stepanski, intelligence officer for 2nd Battalion, 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment, says he's angry with the ignorance, laziness and inability to retain basic knowledge about a combat zone the U.S. Army has been fighting in since 2001.

"I don't know how many times I have to tell people, Afghani is Afghanistan currency and Afghans are the people of Afghanistan," Stepanski said. The intelligence officer went on to describe other nuances the soldiers fail to pick up, such as the Afghan concept of honor and shame, the role of women in Afghan society, and picking the toilet seat up before urinating in the Battalion bathroom.

"You have no idea how many times I have sat on piss," said Stepanski.

Given the length of the war and the level of U.S. military commitment, one may wonder why soldiers still have trouble identifying the local populace in Afghanistan correctly. When questioned about the discrepancy, soldiers spoke up about what they considered important and unimportant in the 13-year war.

"I get the Battalion S2 has his panties in a bunch," said Battalion Sgt. Maj. Tyler Jones. "But when I gotta piss, I don't feel like lifting that seat for nothin.' He's just gonna have to learn to stand up and pee."

Other soldiers agreed, and shared similar distaste for lifting the toilet seat. "It's kind of gross if you think about it, because I mean everyone has already peed on it. So I don't want to lift it up," said Private First Class Jose Rivera.

Other soldiers compared the captain to local Afghanis who squat and pee. "It's kind of weird that he's so into Afghanis," explained Sgt. Tyler Rohlms. "I never saw an Afghani I liked, spoke to an Afghani I liked, or passed an Afghani I liked. It's just not my thing."

Local Afghanis refused to comment on the story, but Stepanski followed up his interview with an email to Duffel Blog which only read "Afghans ... you fucking idiots. It's Afghans God damn it."

At press time, Duffel Blog reporters were still trying to understand what the email actually meant.