Intel officer won’t shut up about that one time he was right

BEALE AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. — Multiple sources report that Capt. William Best, an intelligence operations officer assigned to the 9th Intelligence Squadron, simply will not shut up about that one time his analysis was correct. Although Best usually heavily caveats any predicative analysis with typical terms of art such as “medium confidence,” or “low-to-medium probability,” on one occasion during the past year, he evidently “grew a pair,” said his NCOIC, Master Sgt. David Vicks, and the squadron has suffered ever since.

According to several airmen who not only witnessed the event, but also have heard about it nonstop for nearly five months now, in early April, Best provided a standard weekly intel briefing that included highlights within the Pacific theater. While the details are classified, squadron commander Lt. Col. Travis Davis asked the captain’s opinion on whether a North Korean KN-24 missile test was in the works. While nearly everyone thought the weather would not permit it, Best declared “most likely.” Within 24 hours of his pronouncement, the test launch did indeed take place.

“And we’ve heard about it every day since,” sighed Vicks.

“He finds a way to bring it up in any meeting,” said Staff Sgt. Monica Spelling, one of Best’s analysts. “During one recent briefing, Airman [Thomas] Stone was informing the commander about an issue impacting some ROKAF F-15Ks. Capt. Best leaned forward and grimly said, ‘Those birds are the best to take out those KN-24 sites.’ Even the commander clenched his fist in annoyance.”

“I was getting a Twix from the snack bar,” added Staff Sgt. Miles Baker, “and the captain called me over to show me a ‘lessons learned’ report he was writing to help the rest of us ‘improve our analytical capability.’ The first page was a close-up image of a KN-24. Come on, man.”

The squadron admin has confirmed that the successful prediction currently makes up a significant portion of Best’s self-written CGO of the Quarter and of the Year packages, as well as his annual performance review. All these were written and submitted scarcely two weeks after the event.

His NCOIC confirms that he’s about to lose his patience. “If he asks me again if I want him to mentor me on intel analysis, there’s a medium-to-high probability that I’m going to tell him to shove that missile up his ass.”