RAF MOLESWORTH, UK - In a major assessment paper released today, the Defense Intelligence Agency has concluded that north Africa is "basically one gigantic shithole."

The assessment cites the attack on American consulate in Benghazi, Libya, continued unrest and strife under the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, the ongoing al-Qaida seizure of northern Mali, and the recent Algerian hostage crisis, as contributing factors to the region's reputation as a swirling toilet bowl of human excrement. DIA based its assessment not only its own internal findings, but also on testimony from others.

For example, the agency has field reports corroborated by signals intelligence that Moktar Belmoktar actually tried refusing orders to be sent out to Mali, calling it "Allah's Asshole" and demanding to know why the Global Caliphate couldn't "be based out of someplace nice, like Tahiti or the French Riviera."