IPFU Changes Says New Army G-4, Tells Duffel Blog To 'Shove It'
ARLINGTON, VA - Recently the Army has undergone a change of leadership in the G-4 shop, with Lieutenant General Raymond G. Mason being promoted to the position. At the spearhead of logistics for the entire Army, LTG Mason released his list of priorities for his tenure as Chief of Staff for G-4.
His number one priority was addressing the issues that have been brought to light by soldiers about the Individual Physical Fitness Uniform (IPFU).
In a press release, LTG Mason said, “First of all, everyone complaining about the liner in the shorts, how the shirts don’t breathe, the pointlessness of wearing a reflective belt when the uniform is designed to be reflective, and any other silly and menial stuff, can shut the hell up. When I was a young Lieutenant in Khe Sanh, Vietnam, we were lucky to have shirts at all."
He continued: "My first priority as Chief of Staff for Army G-4 is to rename the IPFU to the Uniform for Individual or Group Physical Training All Weather Environment Uniform, or the UIGPTAWEU. If there’s one thing I’ve had enough of, it's soldiers referring to the IPFU simply as a PT uniform. From now on the IPFU shall be referred to as the UIGPTAWEU and anyone caught referring to it as a PT uniform or otherwise will be subject to UCMJ.”
LTG Mason went on to describe the changes to the uniform itself.
“We’re going to make the new UIGPTAWEU out of 100% fiberglass insulation. It’s going to be American made so it’ll be good for the economy and job market. The tag on the shirt and pants will be 6” long by 6” wide so it will be able to fit the full name of the new uniform. Our testers have also found that the zippers located in the IPFU jacket’s armpits were completely useless so we’re adding four more down the back of the jacket. The entire UIGPTAWEU jacket will be manufactured out of reflective material. Soldiers will still be required to wear reflective belts while conducting physical training per Army policy.”
Duffel Blog tried to reach LTG Mason to comment further on his proposed changes to the IPFU. Upon calling his office and questioning the direction of the new uniform, Duffel Blog was told “I’m G-4 bitch. Shove it.”
When pressed, he said, “Go cry to the IG, I’ll give you the phone number myself if you want to be such a prick about it.”