Iran War would be only one letter different from Iraq War

WALTHAM, Mass. — The Raytheon Institute, a bipartisan think tank that specializes in starting Middle Eastern wars, has released a report that estimates the imminent Iran War will be approximately one letter different from the ongoing Iraq War.

“We based our analysis primarily on the words themselves,” explained Richard Cheney, the institute’s Bonelli Fellow. “If you look closely, you’ll see that both countries’ names start ‘IRA,’ but ‘IRAN’ ends with an ‘N’ while ‘IRAQ’ ends with a ‘Q.’”

The report spelled out further similarities, including America’s total lack of justification for initiating hostilities, a draft dodging Republican president who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, spinelessness on the left during the buildup despite virtue signaling of being antiwar, simmering sectarian tensions in the country to be invaded, the prospective enemy’s large standing military that won’t be able to face down America’s initial assault but could become deadly in a drawn out guerilla campaign, a complete lack of support from the rest of the world, large amounts of oil at stake, media reports that have inflamed overwrought concerns about weapons of mass destruction, and relief from service members in Kuwait that they finally have something to do.

For 99 percent of Americans the two wars will be identical. Beyond an afternoon wasted at the recruiting station almost enlisting, the authors note, they won’t be affected at all.