TEHRAN — In response to increasingly pedestrian incidents involving off-duty service members, the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) has mandated a military-wide standup to root out weak-ass posers who lack the extreme ideologies of Iran’s “totally radical” warfighters.

“The first thing we’re going to do during this standup is to reaffirm our oath to systematically dismantle Western satanism through the power of counterculture punk reform,” said Amir Hatami, Minister of Defense and Armed Forces Logistics.

Iran has a long history of sponsoring totally extreme organizations throughout the Middle East and is perhaps best known for hooking up Hezbollah with some bodacious half-pipes in 2007.