AL UDEID AIRBASE, Qatar – Returning from a well-deserved holiday break, members of Central Command's Forward Headquarters were startled to discover more than 100 text messages left on their phone from what looked like an extremely drunk and depressed Iraq.

"Salaams" read the first dozen, repeated every few hours, inter-spaced with an occasional "You up?"

According to CENTCOM officials, the command has been doing its best to ignore Iraq over the past two years since the United States withdrew from the country in 2011, but every time around December they start getting an avalanche of drunken texts, sobbing late-night phone calls, and lonely e-mails.

EUCOM and NORTHCOM also told CENTCOM that they've seen adverts from Iraq on CraigsList as "Single Unoccupied Country seeks Rich Western Nation For Ten-Year Commitment. No Jews."

At first CENTCOM tried reasoning with Iraq: "I said you could have the SOFA, but you didn't want it! WTF am I going to do with an unwanted SOFA? Honestly! IMO you need h…