Irish Americans accuse Army of ‘cultural appropriation’ over color green

BOSTON — The Ancient Order of Hibernians, an Irish-American cultural group and drinking society, is using St. Patrick’s Day to draw attention to its dispute with the United States Army over the Army's “cultural appropriation” of the color green.

“Green is our fookin color,” according to Mickey McSorley of no fixed address, South Boston. “Nobody else’s! And by the way, everybody isn’t fookin Irish today, laddie. Just the Irish.”

“The real Irish. Not the ‘Scots-Irish’ frauds the goddam Limeys imported,” he added in a brogue that onlookers described as "wicked fake."

A spokesman for the Army denies the charges.

“Why are you even talking to that hod-carrying Paddy?” asked Brig. Gen. Malcolm Stratfordshire, Army Chief of Public Affairs. “That hairy bog trotter doesn’t seem to understand what camouflage is, or how it works. None of those Hibernians do.”

Stratfordshire says the Army has been using green for generations “because it’s useful, unlike those ginger freaks from Leprechaunia.”

McSorley says, "It all goes back to the first battle of Bull Creek in the Civil War," and "all them Irish the Army slaughtered."

He promised to punch out Stratfordshire right before puking on Boston May Marty Walsh and passing out in a gutter. He was run over by a float from the St. Patrick's Day parade.