FALLUJAH — The official media wing of ISIS has taken credit for last week's brutal attack in Nice, France. According to a statement from the Amaq Agency, the self-styled Caliphate planned the attack, but nobody from the group seems to even be able to remember his goddamn name.

A masked newscaster seemed flustered during a Facebook live stream. “We trained Abu ... uh ... Muhammad, from birth, and forged him in the fires of Al-Shaqqar,” he said.

He then covered his microphone, but could still be heard to ask someone off camera, “Wait, where was he from? Is that a real city? Do we even have a camp there?”

The broadcast cut to several images of what appeared to be stock footage of Viet Cong soldiers doing training exercises until someone in the background yelled "I don't think that's France."

"We are everywhere," the newscaster continued. "We will fulfill our promise to defeat the west — a death by a thousand cuts.”

“In fact, here are some other names of people who are acting violently on our …