HOUSTON, Texas — Kellogg, Brown and Root (KBR) announced Friday it had won a no-bid contract through the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) to maintain the American HMMWV fleet seized this week when ISIS foot soldiers stormed Mosul.
“We’re proud to announce that we’ll continue to keep America’s fleet running,” said KBR spokesperson Heather L. Browne speaking from the lavishly decorated press room. “Technically these vehicles still belong to the Iraqi Army, but regardless of who is driving them we want them to have the best equipment on the battlefield. We owe a huge debt of gratitude to Dick Cheney for taking time to help us negotiate this contract.”
KBR’s contract will include vehicle maintenance, driver training and full logistical support.
ISIS foot soldiers stormed Iraq’s second largest city earlier this week, driving away the American-trained Iraqi Army like a herd of stampeding lemmings. The Iraqi Army abandoned all their equipment which proved to be an enormous windfall for the poorly equipped ISIS troopers, but mounted atop up-armored Humvees, the ISIS bullet train hit a logistical wall.
“We needed help,” said Abu ibn Kelb, an ISIS officer responsible for logistics. “We acquired this first-rate western equipment, but the maintenance tail was just killing us. So I called my buddy Dick Cheney and told him we needed him.”
Kelb and Cheney collaborated on a number of no-bid contracts during the bonanza days of the Iraq War, Kelb said, using air quotes while saying he "helped Halliburton and KBR build at least 100 schools."
“These trucks are a gift from Allah,” said Kelb, “but they’re a huge pain in my ass. I’d rather ride a camel.” Kelb surveyed an enormous motor pool where dozens of HMMWVs sat with their hoods tilted forward as sandaled Islamic warriors dedicated to the restoration of the 14th century Islamic Caliphate PMCS’d their vehicles side by side with KBR contractors.
Not only are the vehicles difficult to maintain, they are temperamental and dangerous. On Tuesday, 17 ISIS militants sleeping under a humvee were killed when the vehicle spontaneously roared to life and drove over them while they slept. One was beheaded for not properly chocking the tires and for failing to set the parking brake.
In the classroom of a burned out school for girls, illiterate ISIS warriors stroked their beards while being briefed on safety procedures including the need for ground-guides, the importance of wearing your gunner’s belt and roll-over drills.
“These guys are picking it up pretty fast,” said Tyrone Hamilton who has worked for KBR in Iraq since 2003. “I don’t want to see a single one of these guys beheaded because they don’t understand the Humvee."