Most ISIS Militants Still Have Not Completed Safety Stand Down For Islamic New Year

MOSUL, Iraq — Life as an admin officer with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS or ISIL) is hectic enough, but for Khalil Nassar, this October has been a certifiable nightmare.

Nassar, who “literally can’t even” right now, is the equivalent of a captain in the U.S. Army and deals with a “veritable ziftstorm” of paperwork every day, along with the incessant nagging of field-grade officers.

“‘Why haven’t our soldiers completed the safety stand down for the upcoming holiday?’ they ask,” complains an exasperated Nassar, rubbing his temples. “Do I look like a platoon sergeant? I’ve got enough on my plate with the start of the new fiscal year and this leave tracker for Murharram [Islamic New Year]. How should I know if Jamal Schmuckatalmoud sat through the goddamn PowerPoint?”

Nassar’s current tracker reports that upwards of 80 percent of ISIS militants have not been briefed on myriad safety and welfare issues, to include:

  • Operational Risk Taking

  • How to confront lewd women who show their ankles

  • The 72 virgins you WON’T meet in Yemen

  • Why using a goatskin condom during bestial intercourse is not halal, and

  • The dangers of driving vehicles laden with explosives under the influence of khat, among others.

The push for standardized training came at Nassar’s behest, who hoped to reduce the number of liberty incidents by fighters taking leave over the holiday, but the well-intentioned proposal has proven to be just another headache for the hapless admin officer, who is already inundated with leave chits and requests for special liberty.

“Allah, look at these idiots!” groans Nassar as he flips through a stack of papers, dragging his hand down his face. “How do you not know which leave block you’re taking, Samir? Oh, you’re going to your mom’s house, Ahmad? That’s great, how about a fucking address?

“WHAT’S YOUR LIBERTY PLAN, MAHMOUD?” he roars, flinging the pile across his desk and into the air.

“I guess I’ll just have to make another PowerPoint on how to properly file request chits,” Nassar sighs, bending to pick up the scattered sheets.

At press time, militants who did complete the 572-slide safety presentation report that the briefing took no less than six hours. Five members from five separate units were stoned for asking questions at the end.