Epic Open Letter To An American Badass Veteran From ISIS

Note: This story was originally published in Al-Daffla Blog, a joint media venture between Duffel Blog and Al Jazeera.

Dear Mr. Badass Veteran Nick Powers,

As-salamu alaykum.

I read your open letter to ISIS with much enthusiasm, and thought a badass veteran like you deserved a response.

First off, nice grammar and punctuation. My 12-year-old son fighting in Tikrit sounds more coherent and he has never had a day of formal education. Believe it or not I was actually made aware of the insignificant communication platform you people call a ‘blog’ while I was cutting the head off of someone who does not agree with my own beliefs.

Strange how this world works.

Anyway, you do sound impressive in your open letter. I am sure your combat experience has hardened you into a truly formidable warrior. What was the worst part about being deployed to my part of the world? The long lines in your "Green Beans," or possibly the lack of air conditioning in your portable housing unit? It must be hard walking for many hours wearing your helmet, body armor, and supported by communications technology I can hardly imagine. WTF?

We're not so different you and I. Except I was only wearing sandals when I took out my first M-1 Abrams tank. And I made that bomb in the shed where I keep my wives using nothing but materials from the local market.

Yeah, that's right: I said a tank.

It was interesting you said we shouldn't "bite the hand that feeds you." You are probably right, although we really appreciate you feeding us all those tanks, armor, Humvees, and American-made weapons. Really, you shouldn't have. You are too kind.

But what I really admire about you Americans is your amazing ability to find our IEDs using nothing but your feet.

Incredible. That kind of tactical competence is why it took you a mere nine years to subdue our country. That is why Iraq is now covered with McDonalds and Walmarts as far as the eye can see.

Oh, wait. Is it not? Oh now I remember. You people had 120,000 troops in my homeland and were driven out by a little bit of homemade explosives and D batteries.

It is all ok though. Tell your Mr. Obama that his airstrikes have completely halted our advance. When I saw your F-16s blow up one of my trucks filled with idiots too dumb to operate a mortar tube I was absolutely terrified. I immediately ordered my 50,000 well-equipped soldiers to scatter and run for the hills before the mighty American war machine could further decimate our forces.

Wait. That is the opposite of what happened. I am sorry, I am trying to use your American sarcasm.

Either way I welcome any attempt to retake the Caliphate. And you can tell your politicians to relax as we have no desire to come to the United States. I have six wives that do whatever I want. Cooking, cleaning, bizarre sexual games. Anything I desire. When one argues, I kill her and simply kidnap another one.

I have seen your ‘Real Housewives’. Keep them. If one of my wives spoke to me that way I would feed her to my lion.

You heard that right. I have a fucking lion. Do you have a lion?

Didn't think so.

Your move Mr. Badass. Maybe I will see you in Baghdad.

But probably not. Allahu Akbar.

Very Respectfully Submitted,

Abdul Mohammed 'the Iron Sheik' Abkar al-Jubouri, ISIS Spokesman