Major ISIS Offensive Goes Unnoticed During Army-Navy Game

RAQQA, Syria — The big winner of today's Army-Navy game may have been the Islamic State, which fought and won a major offensive while the U.S. military watched the game, Duffel Blog has learned.

ISIS spokesman Abu Mohammed al-Adnani, wearing a t-shirt that said "West Point Rope-Pushing Team," announced that the offensive captured dozens of villages in central Iraq while coalition forces watched Army lose to Navy for the 13h straight time.

“For over four hours, while the disbelievers watched their so-called ‘football’ game between the children pretending to be fighters from West Point and Annapolis,” al-Adnani said, “we routed the puppet forces again and again, praise be to Allah.”

U.S. and coalition forces in the region had a scheduled operational stand-down so that soldiers, sailors, and Marines could be filmed watching the game for broadcast back home so that commanders could appear humane.

“Why they would do this,” al-Adnani said, “instead of being vigilant, is difficult to comprehend, when all the world knew that Navy would again trample on Army, and beat them as our brothers in the Hindu Kush have beaten the Army, and as we are beating them in Iraq for the third time.”

Al-Adnani had words for Army’s defense in particular.

He asserted that Army was “as unable to stop Navy’s ground attack as they are ours.” He went on to compare Army’s defense to “a soft … slave girl’s breast,” and accused the Black Knights of “offer[ing] more holes to Navy than a Damascus whore.”

Al-Adnani continued: “To call this game ‘football’ is an error. For as is well known to all believers, football is played with a round ball, not an oblate spheroid, and the players must never touch it with their hands.”

He concluded his prepared statement by “thank[ing] the players, peace be upon them, for keeping the skies free of infidels while we expand our Caliphate. Go Navy! Beat Army!”