ISIS institutes 'blow up or get out' promotion policy

SHEIK ZUWEID, EGYPT — The Islamic State has implemented a new “blow up or out” promotion policy for its jihadi leaders, according to multiple sources within the Islamic State military personnel directorate.

The new policy requires sheikhs who have received three negative jihad evaluation reports out of their last five reports to become suicide bombers.

The policy is intended to “weed out under-performers and identify and retain talent,” according to a senior jihadi resources official, who was not authorized to speak publicly on the new policy. “As we focus increasingly on terroristic operations against the infidel we have an exceptional need for talent of all types,” he added.

Still, the Islamic State suicide bomber force immediately expressed concerns about the impact of the new policy on its capabilities. The force's commanders, for example, have long argued that “martyrdom of the best human capital kills more infidels and is most holy.” The new policy, however, suggests that the Islamic State leadership believes the exact opposite.

“It cannot be emphasized enough that the suicide force must only have the best talent,” a senior suicide force commander told reporters. “The idea that we can maintain our global standard of excellence in terrorism with a group of sheikhs who lost accountability of property and failed to accomplish mandatory training objectives is so wrong. And frankly, it makes us feel undervalued. Do we not kill more infidels than any other weapons?”

The suicide bomber force has “peculiar talent retention issues which senior sheikhs often fail to understand,” according to the commander. “Our training has a high attrition rate. This is because we work with explosives more than any other service. Careless bomb-makers and human error kill many martyrs before they ever reach the battlefield. This policy increases the risk of fratricide.”

But a source within the personnel directorate disputed the idea that martyrdom was undervalued.

“Obviously there is a healthy tension between the holy imperative of martyrdom and our worldly need to retain talent. Nonetheless we think we have struck a reasonable balance here. Those commanders who think suicide bomber duty does not fit in their career timeline are welcome to seek martyrdom in other ways, such as by geotagging their tweets to infidel President Trump or volunteering to serve in Syria.”