SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA -- The Islamic State will soon be appointed to head the United Nations subcommittee tasked with abolishing slavery worldwide, according to several people familiar with the matter.

An ISIL official, who declined to give his name claiming, "There are literally drones circling my ministry right now." The official said that ISIL hopes it can have a significant impact on the committee. "We don't have illegal slavery in our caliphate, unlike other countries such as Mauritania or Eritrea or the Zionist entity. But we recognize that modern slavery is a real issue. We hope that we can help the world understand how our culturally rooted labor and marriage practices are in fact fully in line with accepted human rights norms."