JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN – Service members at Jalalabad Airfield are on high-alert this week following a string of safety violations perpetrated by a maniacal villain known as the J-bad Joker.
“It all happened so fast,” said one terrified soldier, after watching helplessly as the J-bad Joker stalked from his barracks to the bathroom without a reflective belt. “Total pandemonium. As if we don’t have enough to worry about already in this god-forsaken country!”
Indeed, the J-bad Joker’s antics have gripped the longstanding Coalition Forces base with the crippling anxiety that, at any moment, calamity could ensue. To date, the lunatic’s infractions include driving a Gator two kilometers per hour over the posted speed limit, failing to wear proper eye protection on a cloudy day, and unloading his pistol away from a designated clearing chamber.
This unique brand of senseless disregard for general orders and regulations has catapulted the J-bad Joker to Afghan underworld fame, where he joins the ranks of criminal eccentrics like the Panjshir Penguin, Torkhum Two-Face, and Kabul Catwoman.
“My guess is that he’s clinically insane,” said one airman, who spotted the J-bad Joker out for a run with headphones over his ears. “Only a literally crazy person would limit their situational awareness in an already dangerous environment.”
While the J-bad Joker has most on the base running for safety, one Military Police unit commander stands on the front lines of the quest to bring him to justice.
“We're gonna bag this clown, make no mistake,” said Colonel Jim Gordon. “I didn’t spend an entire career issuing cheap citations to innocent enlisted men just for some psychopath to come muck it all up in the eleventh hour.”
Gordon's team has been working tirelessly to predict when and where the J-bad Joker might strike next, though patterns have reportedly not been forthcoming. In fact, the Colonel says, the only unifying factor behind events linked to the Joker seems to be the utter chaos that follows.
“Perhaps it doesn’t do any good to ask ‘Why?’ in times like this,” Gordon said. “If the terrorists in this country have taught us anything, it’s that some men just want to watch the world burn.”
“If only we had some way to signal for a hero,” Gordon added. “Something that could be seen for miles around. But what? And who?”
The J-bad Joker himself could not be reached for comment but, at press time, had reportedly just entered the JAF Dining Facility without first washing his hands.
“Will this madness never end?!” cried one horrified witness. “What’s next? A tray full of Low Performance food?!”