Captain Jack Sparrow named new Coast Guard commandant

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has nominated Capt. Jack Sparrow to serve as the 26th commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, sources confirmed today.

Sparrow, the skipper of the Black Pearl, currently serves as operational commander of one the nine pirate lords in the Brethren Court, the Pirate Lords of the Seven Seas, and now will command a fleet of Coast Guard cutters around the coastal United States.

The White House announced the nomination in a press release, calling Sparrow “an expert in piracy and illegal contraband trade” and saying he is “a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.”

Sparrow relieved Commandant Karl Schultz in a change of command ceremony surrounded by the men and women of the Coast Guard.

“Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer these Coast Guard ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out,” the newly appointed commandant said in a speech from Washington.

“Capt. Jack Sparrow will deliver expert leadership and sound judgement needed to guide our dedicated military service further into this difficult yet remarkable era of our nation,” said Schultz. “He’s a little unconventional, yes. But I’m confident that his knowledge of the sea, ability to talk his way out of a messy situation, and capacity to hold his liquor already makes him a worthy addition to the Coast Guard family.”

Sparrow’s proposed changes to Coast Guard policy include providing alcohol-incentivized advancement, where the member must have at least two alcohol incidents to advance to the next rank, a more aggressive take on finding buried treasure, and introducing a mutiny based style of change of command.

The boating public reacted with alarm at the nomination.

"This is a disgrace and a complete surprise. The Coast Guard is without doubt the worst military service I have ever heard of," Cape Cod resident Robert Royal said in a comment about the decision.

“But you have heard of us,” said Sparrow.