Joint Chiefs clean out Pentagon offices in anticipation of first female service chief
We are going to need bigger boxes.
By W.E. Linde
PENTAGON — President Joe Biden’s nomination of Adm. Linda L. Fagan to lead the U.S. Coast Guard heralded the likelihood of the military’s first female service chief and initiated a flurry of grumbling and “cleaning up” of the all-male offices of the Joint Chiefs, sources confirmed today.
“Does Miss November have to go?” asked Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. David H. Berger, as he peeled down years of photos of Playboy Playmates from a private JCS conference room. “She’s my favorite.”
“All of it has to come down, dammit,” replied Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “No exceptions.”
Nathan S. Lowrey of the Joint History and Research Office observed that, while the military, in general, has long struggled to deal with identifying and addressing microaggressions and toxic work environments, the realization that the most senior levels of the Pentagon now had to also account for a gender diverse workplace was “like watching the Titanic hit that iceberg.”
“Since its inception during World War II, the Joint Chiefs of Staff has been an exclusively male organization,” Lowrey explained. “This testosterone-saturated environment has helped create a locker room sort of dynamic. It was while Gen. [James C.] McConville was handing out the latest edition of Maxim to the other chiefs last week that Milley had an unpleasant epiphany.”
According to sources close to Milley, the general said, “Holy shit, we have to cancel these subscriptions. And take down the calendars! And, oh crap, the posters. It’s everywhere! We’ve got a lot of cleaning to do before Fagan gets here.”
Since then, dozens of boxes of lewd and suggestive magazines, photos, movies, and posters have been packed and sent back to the homes of the chiefs. In addition, bathroom stalls were being re-installed in JCS restrooms to accommodate women.
“The restrooms have been urinal only for a while now,” said Lowrey, “since Berger kept dropping biohazardous ‘Bergers’ at work.”
Perhaps to be expected, a sense of aggravation has settled in as the office makeover proceeds.
“I don’t see why my autographed photo from Pamela Anderson has to go,” grumbled Adm. Michael M. Gilday. “I won’t complain if [Fagan] wants to decorate her office with stuff about her period, or whatever it is women like. Live and let live.”
At press time, a few more rooms needed to be cleared, including the Pentagon’s press room with its iconic poster of Farrah Fawcett.
“That poster leaves last,” sighed Milley. “I swear, it’s like the evacuation of Saigon, but with smut. I just hope we’re not overlooking anything offensive before that broad gets here.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Twitter @welinde