HEAVEN - In response to continued assertions by the Westboro Baptist Church of God's will, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ announced that he would be moving up his highly anticipated second coming and get his message out early.

In a press release from the Office of Public Affairs - Heaven, the Alpha and Omega indicated that he's rather disappointed that it's come to this.

"I was hoping to save this second coming for a proper return, with the whole rapture and all that stuff, but these Westboro people have just gone too far," said the Lamb of God. "I mean really, what part of 'love your neighbor as thyself' do these nitwits not understand?"

The Lord cited numerous instances of distasteful behavior by the members of the church, including protests following tragic events and interruptions of funerals for fallen soldiers. "I was definitely getting upset with them thinking they should thank me for dead soldiers. That wasn't me. It was usually some jihadi moron planting bombs."