DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Jesus gives your weekend safety brief
Greetings brothers and sisters. Before you go forth, allow me to bestow on you some wisdom. I feel like my Father hit these main points about 4,000 years ago, but some of you need a reminder.
For starters, no gods before me and no idols, okay? What that means is do not worship at the altar of Coors Light. Think “What would Jesus do?” not “How many shots can I do?”
Don’t take my name in vain, and really, just watch your mouth in general. The way some of you talk would make Satan blush. It is not okay to tell the young lady who works at McDonald’s you want some “effing fries” and her “digits if she wants to get freaky.”
Keep holy the Sabbath, which for you is midnight tonight or 1600 Sunday, if you filled out the appropriate liberty paperwork. In other words, don’t miss curfew.
Honor your mother and father, or your first sergeant, for you orphans in the barracks. I know they taught you to dress in an appropriate manner, which does not include showing the world your undergarments, midriff, cleavage, or any portion of your backside.
Don’t kill anyone, okay? That’s a biggie right there. Not only is it a mortal sin, which would cause you to burn in hell for all eternity, but it is a massive mountain of paperwork for the staff.
No adultery, folks. You should only “know” your own husband or wife. And while we’re on the topic of marriage, don’t go out and get married this weekend unless you have your commanding officer’s permission. Especially don’t get married to someone you meet at an establishment that has fire poles, mechanical bulls or neon lighting as part of the décor.
Stealing, even if it’s just a pack of smokes or $10 from your passed-out roommate, will get you brig time, my friend. If you hadn’t wasted all that money on a car with tricked out wheels and a BOSE sound system from that used car lot out the back gate, you could afford that new Xbox console you’ve been coveting. Speaking of coveting, that’s technically a sin too. You should really just save your money for things like college, retirement or a trained lawyer, since you’ll probably need one someday.
Lying – yeah, you’re bad at that, and I would know, since just like Santa and the gunny, I know everything you do. Yes, we saw you miscounting the situps (sinner), we know what you do in the shower (mortal sinner) and we know about the 6-pack under your rack (underage sinner). It’s better to just man/woman-up and admit your mistakes, and they might be more lenient on you at company NJP.
Go in peace to love and serve Me and behave yourself, or I swear to Buddha, I will tell the first sergeant what you really keep in your footlocker.