Secretary of State John Kerry

WASHINGTON, DC — Secretary of State John Kerry announced he would be firmly against any military action in Syria, and plans to lead an anti-war movement to protest the conflict as soon as he finishes starting it, sources confirmed today.

Kerry, an allegedly decorated Vietnam veteran and outspoken anti-war activist, told reporters that he does not support a campaign of aggression against a sovereign nation that is not a clear threat to the United States.

He has spent the last several days traveling between the White House and the Pentagon to coordinate how best to kill Syrians without threatening American servicemen and women with unnecessary harm.

"This entire war is an abomination to the democratic process," said Kerry, while on the way to a briefing by Lockheed on their newest advances in incendiary and high-explosive delivery systems. "We can't just leap into a war without first explaining to the American people why it is necessary."

After Kerry had finishe…