Kelly vows to lead White House through squad push-up

WASHINGTON — Just hours after assuming the post as the 27th White House Chief of Staff, retired Marine Gen. John Kelly has vowed to lead the White House through what he called "a tough and turbulent" all-hands squad push-up.

The push-up, which will involve all 4,000 members of the White House staff and Executive Office of the President, will be carried out later today on the South Lawn. Kelly has not yet specified if it will consist of multiple groups doing squad push-ups, or a giant 'human centipede'-style formation.

Kelly made the announcement on Monday at his inaugural staff meeting, which was attended by the White House staff and press corps.

When asked about his leadership style, Kelly quoted George S. Patton, saying, "The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war." He added, "I intend to get all the sweat of you that I can," to nervous laughter.

He also issued orders to immediately close the White House Mess, saying that his staff should "only be hungry for knowledge and pain."

The 67 year-old former Homeland Security Secretary, a known fitness fanatic, also issued his proposed "Body (De)Composition Program 2017" program, which he promised will "cut the flab" out of the White House staff.

Several aides, who hurriedly added to reporters that Kelly meant "flab" as more of a metaphor for out-of-control spending, were reportedly still doing mountain climbers in the White House's newly-installed sandpit.

Kelly was joined at the meeting by President Donald Trump, who had some positive things to say about his new chief of staff:

"I'm really glad we've got John working this now," the president said. "He's a great man. Beautiful man. Huge penis. He doesn't think I know. I know. Really popular with the jarheads. Can I say that? Screw it, I said it. Over to you Mad Dog, and Semper Fi."

Newly-designated White House Press Platoon commander Sarah Huckabee Sanders said Kelly would spend the rest of the day in meetings with members of Congress, after first discreetly removing the 40 copies of Thucydides that Defense Secretary Jim Mattis had left strategically placed around the building.