Ken Burns documentary reveals the truth about Wagner
Consider our minds blown.
By Zoltar the Malignant
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A new documentary by filmmaker Ken Burns shatters one of the Marine Corps’ most cherished beliefs — that Wagner absolutely loves the cock.
“Wagner,” the latest work by the award-winning documentarian whose credits include “The Civil War” and “Baseball,” alleges that Wagner, in fact, hated the cock.
Narrated by comedian Frank Caliendo impersonating Morgan Freeman, the documentary reveals that Wagner was actually Staff Sgt. Edwin Wagner, a urinalysis noncommissioned officer whose dislike of his duty resulted in the unfortunate joke.
“From the first day Marine recruits step on the yellow footprints at the recruit depot, to the day they receive their coveted Eagle, Globe, and Anchor at the end of the Crucible, it’s drilled into them that Wagner loves the cock. It’s scrawled on the wall of every head ever graced by a Marine,” the film solemnly opens to a solo violin rendition of the Marines’ Hymn. “But Wagner actually despised the cock. Couldn’t stand it.”