ANALYSTS: ISIS 'Kill List' Suspiciously Contains Only Names Of Shitbags

WASHINGTON — Analysts from Stratfor and The RAND Corporation have conducted an investigation into the leaked names on the so-called "ISIS Kill List" and concluded that nearly every target is an utter shitbag, Duffel Blog has learned.

The list, which included the identities of 100 airmen, sailors, pilots and others supposedly involved in airstrikes against ISIS were, in fact, all on the blotter report Monday morning for various infractions and violations of the UCMJ over the weekend.

"Most of the names on the list are already in the process of administrative separation for a pattern of misconduct," Pentagon spokesman Col. Steve Warren told reporters. Others are being notified of their rights under Article 31 of the UCMJ this week.

Warren has called rumors the “kill list” was leaked to sympathizers of the Islamic State by a secret cabal of disgruntled senior staff non-commissioned officers "unfounded."

“All possible leads are being looked into,” said Warren. “In the meantime, Criminal Investigation Division is working with the FBI to ensure there wasn’t a data breach of some kind.”

Others feel quite differently about the incident.

“At least someone has recognized we need to get rid of these turds,” said a company first sergeant who asked for anonymity because he doesn't want to wind up on the list. “There’s a few of those dickheads I’ve been trying to process out for over a year. The stupid separations boards keep kicking back the packages for dumb shit.”

“Separations packages and disciplinary issues really have nothing to do with this serious threat to our troops,” said an unidentified sergeant major. “Either way, this is most likely some form of leadership failure.”

“This is bullshit!” the first sergeant continued to shout as the sergeant major and other Staff NCOs ushered him away. “Burn those bitches! Burn them all!"