Kim Jong Chub: How to stay trim and fit while oppressing your people from isolation
PYONGYANG – The Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) confirmed that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Chong Un is calling himself "a new Dear Leader" devoted to a life of health and fitness.
According to DIA spokesman Maj. Gordon Moody, a severe illness caused Kim's recent disappearance from public view. This brush with death motivated Kim to commit himself to getting “totally cut” in six months.
Reports indicate that Kim installed a running track outside his home along with deliveries of a full Olympic-grade weight set, five pallets of "Sports Bang" energy drinks, and a Peloton bike.
“It’s an impressive effort for an overweight dude who smokes three packs a day," said Moody, "so maybe he figured out that nobody likes a fat dictator."
Kim exercises every day with a weekly fitness test consisting of weight deadlifts, standing power throws, pushups, sprint-drag carries, leg-tucks, and a two-mile run. Kim claims that he designed this test himself in "less than five minutes." Analysts note that th…
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