PYONGYANG – Multiple intelligence sources announced Monday evening that Kim Jong Un, long time supreme leader of North Korea, is in critical condition while recovering from heart surgery. While sources vary on the severity of the despot’s condition and whether the surgery was a success, experts now agree that Kim Jong Deux has emerged as the frontrunner to take over the nation should Kim Jong Un die.
“Kim Jong Deux shares a lot of traits with Kim Jong Un except he exemplifies them to a larger degree,” said North Korean policy expert AJ Stevens. “Same moon face, same Lego minifigure haircut, same terrible human rights abuse record.”
While reports out of North Korea are extremely limited, North Korean state media did share several reactions from that nation’s citizens. “Sure, Kim Jong Un is good,” said one man before being spirited away by security forces and shot for not classifying Kim Jong Un as great or better.
“Kim Jong Un is a god among men,” said another visibly nervous North Korean farmer, “and he will live forever, no doubt. But Kim Jong Deux is also a transcendent gift from the heavens.” That man was then immediately sent to a labor camp as officials report all that god talk was starting to sound a little “too Muslim” for their liking.
Initially, North Korean media stated that Kim Jong Un’s heart attack was caused by his heart growing three times its normal size after learning the true meaning of his own greatness. However, medical experts now believe his diet of Cheetos, Hennessey, and goat porn contributed greatly to his present condition.
“One day you’re riding a majestic white steed through the mountains, murdering relatives, and setting up concentration camps. The next you’re going under the knife for heart surgery conducted by a guy who got his degree online using peasants and the game Operation as training tools” said Stevens. “It’s a wild swing and one Kim Jong Deux can capitalize on”