By As For Class

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Though few outside the tight-knit bond of Naval Special Warfare know it, the last words Osama bin Laden heard before bullets strewn his body were, “Ohh, yeaaaah!” according to sources. 

SEALs who took part in the mission to kill the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks say the walls of the bin Laden compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, were breached by none other than the world-famous Kool-Aid Man. 

Half man, half anthropomorphic liquid encased in reanimated glass, the celebrity pitchman (or pitcher man) is by far the most famous star to have quietly joined the military in the wake of the 2001 terrorist attacks in New York and Washington. 

Known to his peers within the special operations community as El Ponche de Frutas, the Kool-Aid Man wrote in his newly declassified memoir that several other nicknames followed him through his service, including Carrot Top, Fireball, Agent Orange, and Tampon of Death.

“It was difficult finding a training area that could handle the big red guy,” said Capt. Berrifield Crunch, Kool-Aid Man’s first commander. “Range Control really hated us because every time we brought him along, he’d really fuck shit up. The other guys couldn’t get enough of him, though.”

The Kool-Aid Man found his calling as the deadliest member of any room-clearing stack, screaming out his war cry of, “Oh, yeaaah,” whenever he entered a room, sending a chill down the spine of the most hardened terrorists. 

Whispers of his coming spread frequently throughout the underground, including the belief that he lived off the blood of his enemies, and that he was even filled with that blood — which is true.

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But his journey almost ended before it began.

“He almost washed out of Hell Week at BUD/S,” Crunch said, referring to the Navy’s Basic Underwater Demolition School, where SEALs train. “And I mean literally washed out. When he went into the pool, he floated. When they finally submerged him… Let’s just say, it took some fast work by some culinary specialists to save him.”

After the Kool-Aid Man was finally attached to SEAL Team 5, spray-painted symbols of his red pitcher body became a calling card, similar to how some teams used the Punisher skull.

The calling card was effective. Not many escaped El Ponche de Frutas: the Tampon of Death.

Those who lived were left with the memories of blood and rubble catapulted throughout buildings, and their friends screaming as the last thing they ever saw was a giant black smile etched across a background of FD&C Red No. 5.

The Kool-Aid Man’s memoir will be available later this month everywhere books are sold.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.

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