Lab Grown Testicles Give New Hope To Incoming Platoon Leaders

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — The Army is offering new hope to young officers by providing a group of volunteers an experimental new therapy, sources say. Doctors at Walter Reed Medical Center’s brand new Center for Testicular Fortitude have begun implanting testicles, grown from tissue samples donated by former platoon sergeants, in a clinical trial that is being closely watched by E-6s throughout the Army.

One of the first to volunteer was 2nd Lt Hank Skelton of the 101st Airborne Division, 24, of Richmond, R.I.

Skelton was living in what he called “a miasma of fear and confusion.” Skelton says he was "mean mugged and openly mocked" by platoon sergeants and senior officers alike.

“Platoon sergeants —not just mine, but like, all of them — were just so mean,” Skelton says. “And the battalion staff, too.” Now his life is better thanks to the therapy and, as a result, he is finding the testicular fortitude to excel at his first unit assignment.

“I’m an officer, goddammit, and fucking Staff Sgt. Bline Belloes can stow that insubordinate bullshit by leading his way to Fort Polk or some shit,” Skelton says. "Hooah!"

While male lieutenants make up the bulk of patients with testicular fortitude problems, researchers aren’t ignoring the needs of female lieutenants, widely considered to possess the same level of incompetence as their male counterparts. Since 2015, The Testicular Fortitude Program at Walter Reed has received more than $300M from the Defense Department to conduct research on the application of the research to incoming female combat arms lieutenants following the opening of all combat arms branches to females.

Still, the technology is a long way from helping female lieutenants and many are unsure of the feasibility of the program and have voiced their concerns to Battalion commanders.

"Yes, we absolutely forgot that women don’t have or need testicles," said researcher Kim Waso, during a press conference. “We didn't take that into account because honestly we just wanted as much research money as possible.