Lance Corporal-in-Chief delivers triumphant state of the underground address

WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps' Lance Corporal-in-Chief delivered his State of the Underground address earlier this week, promising his fellow E-3s that the lance corporal underground has "never been stronger," sources confirmed today.

"The number of working parties is at a 30-year-low, allowing even more of us to enjoy playing Xbox in our barracks room while PFC’s and privates do menial tasks," said Maximilian Uriarte, a Marine veteran who has served since 2009 as the Corps' 23rd Lance Corporal-in-Chief, in an address to lance corporal nation.

"We’ve worked with senior leaders to reduce the length of formations by nearly 18 percent, and our stand-by time by almost double that. And we have expanded our intelligence gathering, increased our rumor spreading, and are receiving word almost a full day before our junior NCOs."

Though Uriarte claimed the underground was strong, he did still note some problems within the ranks.

"Divisions among us nearly ruined the 'dead J. Lo' rumor at 6th Marine Regiment only hours into its inception. And 2nd MLG lost a 96 for Culture Day — a federal holiday we lance corporals created and spread as truth for over 2 months — all because of a slip of the tongue during a monthly counseling."

"We are better than this, but we are only as strong as our weakest crossed rifles," he added, prompting a standing ovation.

Uriarte went on to propose stronger bonds among his fellow lances, telling them that "we must speak in one voice and declare a fellow Marine missing from formation is 'always at dental.'"

"No longer can we afford to lose one of our own when someone asks where Johnson is. No longer can we be caught outside the company office when staff sergeant is on a rampage," Uriarte said. "And no longer can we allow boot lieutenants to handle the GPS or the radio."

He added: "Ask not what your underground can get you out of, but what you can get out of for your Underground."

At press time, the speech was cut short after one lance corporal in attendance began spreading a rumor that first sergeant was on his way and "he looks pissed."