Lance Corporal Sentenced To 20-Year Career, Vows To Take Vengeance On Subordinates

Sgt. Jessica Bauerlien, a student in the Basic Career Planners course, learns the best methods for getting a Marine to reenlist even after they've repeatedly said they'd rather jump off a bridge.

QUANTICO, VA — Looking at bleak job prospects back home and with no money saved for the future, a Marine Lance Corporal visiting the battalion career planner was sentenced this morning to an arduous 20-year career, but vowed that he would "take vengeance on all subordinates who cross him," according to witnesses.

"You've got to regulate all those of lower rank, sure, but I'm not going to be a total dick about it now that I've re-upped for four more years," said Lance Corporal Benjamin Andrews, despite scientific evidence showing he will turn into a "huge douche" once he hits Corporal, and it's "all downhill from there" according to close friends.

Staff Sgt. Richie Travis, the battalion career planner, was proud to help set another Marine on the right path for his career.

"Every time I get to sit down with a Marine and go over their career options, it's a good day," said Travis, who was able to get Andrews a "massive" $100 re-enlistment bonus and duty station preference of 29 Palms, California.

"They don't just give that stuff out to just anybody in the Corps," Travis told reporters of the bonus and the sought-after desert paradise duty station locals refer to as "Club 2-9."

Despite many close friends referring to Andrews as a "lifer", he 's pushed back — saying he's only staying in for another four and then he's out.

"I'm just gonna do a couple more years and then move on with my life," said Andrews, who in four years will be extremely far behind his peers who have gone to college, and have been working at steady civilian jobs for years. "I'm not going to stay in past that."

Still, the career planner isn't buying it.

"They all say that," Travis told reporters. "Then they pick up Sergeant right around the time they are getting out again, then that staff NCO promotion board comes up, and you realize — aw hell, I can just finish up another 10-12 years, keep getting a shitty haircut, until finally you're a First Sergeant and you literally get paid to be a total asshole all day."