Sgt. Jessica Bauerlien, a student in the Basic Career Planners course, learns the best methods for getting a Marine to reenlist even after they've repeatedly said they'd rather jump off a bridge.

QUANTICO, VA — Looking at bleak job prospects back home and with no money saved for the future, a Marine Lance Corporal visiting the battalion career planner was sentenced this morning to an arduous 20-year career, but vowed that he would "take vengeance on all subordinates who cross him," according to witnesses.

"You've got to regulate all those of lower rank, sure, but I'm not going to be a total dick about it now that I've re-upped for four more years," said Lance Corporal Benjamin Andrews, despite scientific evidence showing he will turn into a "huge douche" once he hits Corporal, and it's "all downhill from there" according to close friends.