Latrine artist hits creative block
A cock block?
By Blondes Over Baghdad
FORT BRAGG, N.C. —Spc. Harris P. Niss, a generator mechanic with the 82nd Airborne Division, realized his best artistic work was behind him and dropped his sharpie marker mid-nutsuck while sketching out his 69th dick on a latrine wall at an exercise at range 39 today.
"Am I a hack?” Niss moaned to himself between the beats of combat jacking in the next stall over. “I haven't produced anything new in three FTXes. When I compare myself to the greats, I wonder why I’m even pursuing my dream. Sgt. Peterman in 1st Platoon had drawn over 200 dicks by the time he made E-4. These days it takes me half a deployment just to finish a nutsack. When I die, no one will care about the hairy balls or thick ropes of thick jizz I've left behind, because what I do lacks a point of view. Maybe I should give up and go to law school."
Niss continued his soul searching while admiring an evocative butthole on the empty hand sanitizer dispenser that clearly showed a keen eye towards the gestural, but without losing a jaunty sense of humor.
"What if I peaked at JRTC? That was a gloriously veiny schlong with a slight curve; the realistic ball drop asymmetry. God, that scrotum shading made me feel something. Now that my creative juices have dried up, I don’t even know why I’m carrying this white-out to the range.”
Niss went on to add that he used to feel the visceral nature of the universe and his place in an endless cycle of death and rebirth after a trip to the barracks shower or a good urinalysis exam, but lately, he didn’t feel anything but an obligation.
“It’s performative,” Niss wrote in his process journal. “Art should inspire. Incite. The last dick I drew on a paper towel holder didn’t even get a late formation from Sgt. Major. My art is worse than being bad. My art is invisible.”
Latrine Art historian Dr. Seymour Johnson told Duffel Blog that the pinnacle of dick art was an ironic art nouveau mosaic c. 2006 in of Saddam’s palaces. The “Hung Garden of Babelschlongs” featured over 800 dicks, each made of tinier dicks, and personified the internal struggle destroying life in the cradle of civilization. The Marine Corps followed with its combat art program, which documents the combat experience with formal artistic training.
Dr. Johnson added that Spc. Niss is facing a common challenge in the porta shitter art community starting in the late 20th century.
“Latrine dicks used to have a bohemian, street art energy. But now the greats, like Dicksy, or Vibrator, or even Shepherd Hairy have all gone commercial. Like many, Johnson is finding that he missed the wave of gallery interest in his work, but didn’t invest in developing a good grounding in technique. Military dick art has moved towards the Richard Cerra-esque proportion of sky dicks and sky vulvas. The future is full-spectrum multi-domain dicks! Niss needs to experiment with assholes, vulvas, or even imagine what a clitoris might look like, but he’s stuck in a derivative spiral of throbbing veins and uncut foreskins.”
Johnson added that if Niss wanted to stay relevant, he needed to experiment with his process.
“There’s some exciting work coming out of 29 Palms. I saw a sublime pointillism 7-incher out of Camp Baker, and a hyperrealistic uniball that positively oozed the pain of torsion as a political metaphor for war. There’s some arousing work out there, but Niss’s work has gone torgid. He’s the Thomas Kincaid of cock.”
Before leaving the latrine without flushing a brownie, Niss went dark.
“I might draw inspiration from Van Gogh and cut my ear off,” he threatened. “But that would probably only fix my tinnitus and not the shading on dripping pre-cum I can’t get right.”
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd