Soldier Calls Latrine Wall Phone Number, Does Not Have Good Time

FORT CARSON, Colo. — A soldier who called a number he found on a latrine wall in order to have a “good time” did not, in fact, have a good time, sources confirmed Friday.

Sgt. Anders Borden, a health care specialist with Headquarters and Support Company in the newly-formed Division Artillery, was in the field on an exercise last week when he happened to visit the latrines outside the dining facility after a rousing meal of corned beef hash with sausage links.

“So that stuff went through me pretty fast, I guess, especially since I put so much Texas Pete on it,” said Borden. “And next thing you know, I’m defiling the hell out of the third latrine from the left. And what do you think I saw in there?”

Borden went on to recount how, after reading a short essay composed by a fellow soldier outlining the finer points of Ass To Mouth with the commander’s wife, he discovered a classified section of sorts, right on the latrine wall. "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL HELENA CRISTENSON," read the inscription in what looked like Sharpie, along with her phone number.

But when Borden, after returning from the field and taking a shower, called the number, he realized that the promised “good time” may have been a clever turn of phrase rather than a bona fide guarantee.

Ms. Cristenson did indeed meet with Borden in the parking lot of the Buffalo Wild Wings over by the mall, but good times did not immediately commence, nor did they ensue at any time during the evening.

“First we had to go buy her a whole family basket of Asian Zing boneless wings with bleu cheese, which she hoovered up like one of those cleaning robots in The Fifth Element,” recounted Borden. “Then she made me take her to see this horrible movie where Scarlett Johannson rises above her unspeakable ugliness to become some kind of genius assassin or something.”

Afterward, Borden said, Ms. Cristenson got back into her Toyota Corolla and offered to give him an “HJ” if he bought her a charm bracelet at the Zales inside the mall’s east entrance. Now $80 poorer, Borden returned home feeling vaguely dirty and unsettled, and with the beginnings of suspicion about his date.

“I wonder if she’s related to Sgt. 1st Class Cristenson from Second Platoon,” Borden wondered. “Maybe a cousin or sister? He may need to take her to church or something, because some of the stuff she was saying while she cranked on my hog, it just turned my stomach.”