US Army: 'We Needed To Destroy This Holiday Party In Order To Save It'

A shocking, top secret document outlining the U.S. Army's planning process for leaders putting together Christmas parties has been leaked to the media. Duffel Blog has obtained a copy and has provided some highlights below:

The holidays are fast approaching, and leaders, it is time to start planning for a successful holiday party that will be enjoyed by all. Here are some helpful tips gleaned from our own experiences:

— Be sure to schedule the party for the evening of the last day before holiday leave starts. Soldiers will appreciate you looking after their safety as this will prevent them from getting on the road too soon.

— Rather than spend money on a big event hall or meeting room, use a company area such as the motor pool or arms room. The spouses and children will really appreciate being able to see their soldiers’ work environment, and the soldiers will be perfectly comfortable making merry in their workplace.

— To save money, hire a Santa impersonator from a soup kitchen or methadone clinic. Those guys usually need somebody to sign their community service registers anyway, and they will usually work for table scraps or weed.

— For the non-Christian soldiers, Santa obviously won’t do. We suggest hiring a “Holiday Man” and outfitting him in a bland, ambiguous costume which couldn’t be interpreted as celebrating or endorsing any faith or tradition. He can give out dental floss and kale to the little heathen children. Make sure you emphasize the fact that the Christian kids get the good presents. For gay and lesbian soldiers, he can give out lip gloss, flannel shirts, Save Ferris CDs and Birkenstocks.

— Petting zoos can be fun, but don’t half-ass it. Get some exotic animals such as komodo dragons, electric eels, Lazarus shrimps, and honey badgers. If there are koala bears, make sure you take away their eucalyptus so they are more alert for the children.

— Running short on decorating funds? No worries! Go to the ammo point and get the warrant officer to issue you all the artillery rounds and grenades deemed unsafe for use or transport. Paint them red and green, and scatter them festively about the dining and play area. Don’t worry about them exploding—if they do, hey, free fireworks!

— Hang mistletoe in the parking lot above each parking space. When your soldiers arrive, demand kisses from your soldiers’ wives before allowing entry to the party. With tongue, and light ass grabbing if the mood is right. But no fatties.

— You may be tempted to simulate snow to present a winter wonderland to the party goers. On the surface, this sounds like a good idea, but do not use Crisco, flour, or calcium hyperchlorite as snow simulants. (Actually Crisco might not be such a bad idea, as it could double as lubricant for the afterparty orgy.)

— Remember, as CO, your wife and kids represent you. Have them wear your badges of rank and order the other wives and kids around. Utterly shun "girlfriends," "significant others," or "fiancees." They are beneath contempt and have no rights under military customs and courtesies. Don't get me started on their bastard children.

— Don't forget that some soldiers may not follow the Christian faith and therefore do not celebrate Christmas. Give those soldiers staff duty. If you run out of staff duty positions, institute fire watch for the duration of the party at the motor pool, Rhine-Luzon DZ and the dumpster behind the Smoke Bomb Hill Shoppette.

— Alcohol? No thanks! The Christmas party is family-friendly and joyless. Plan on having fun beverages on hand such as orange juice, Fresca and lukewarm water. For the kids, lukewarm water with sugar in it.

— Everybody loves presents! Be sure you have something for everyone. Make sure your junior leadership distributes a roster indicating how many guests each soldier is bringing. Then raid your neighboring unit's exchange stores for fun, off-the-books items such as screw sets, glow sticks, 100-mile-an-hour tape, and atropine injectors (for the kiddies).

— Who likes Santa? We all do! But wearing that bright red costume may remind our CSM of the Godless commie hordes. Therefore, make sure Santa wears an Apollo Creed costume from Rocky IV.

Duffel Blog investigative reporter Jay also contributed to this report.