Leg becomes airborne qualified

FORT BENNING, Ga. — Well, an actual prosthetic leg has managed to become Airborne qualified.

The ceremony for said leg, which the Airborne Cadre affectionately referenced by its given name, “Fucking Leg!” will take place later this week alongside the rest of the Airborne personnel graduating the course.

Sgt. Maribel Sonata-Leg from the Fort Benning Airborne School said, “We couldn’t believe it when it happened. We were pretty sure that Fucking Leg was going to fall out of one of the runs, maybe go cold on one of the harness trainers, or be a jump refusal. But, nah. That Fucking Leg really got out that door.”

A lot goes into training young men and women to jump out of airplanes. They practice jumping onto the ground in pits of sand. They practice jumping onto the ground in pits of rubber. And on most days they practice jumping onto honest-to-God grass.

“It’s exhausting work,” Sonata-Leg continued. “An arm could never do this stuff. There’s too much precision involved. Too many variables. Like gravity. Complicated, man.”

Many legs have attempted Airborne School, but never in the history of the course has an actual leg succeeded. Of the 200 individuals that began the jump journey three weeks ago, only one person failed to meet the standards, and he was in the Navy, so it doesn’t really count.