Legal Update: The Top 16 crimes you won’t get pardoned for!
Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s legal correspondent, and has degrees in both Legality and Legonomy from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores! Disclaimer: Dick Scuttlebutt is not certified by any bars, especially not by Howl at the Moon in Destin, FL. Screw you, Terry.
Now that our Commander in Chief is pardoning people for wild, unconscionable war crimes left and right, it falls upon us humble guardhouse lawyers to declare what is, and is not, still to be treated as a legitimate crime. After many hours—and scotches!—and in consultation with some actual lawyers on DB staff, here is Duffel Blog’s expert legal opinion on the stuff that can still get you thrown in a federal, pound-you-in-the-ass prison.
Losing your bayonet.
2. Buggery. Of course, we don’t mean butt stuff. In 2019, of course that’s okay. We mean crashing the horse-drawn buggy used in the III Corps change-of-command ceremony.
3. Not contributing to AUSA when sergeant major comes around.
4. Outdated MEDPROS. God forbi…
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