Legal Update: The Top 16 crimes you won’t get pardoned for!

Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s legal correspondent, and has degrees in both Legality and Legonomy from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores! Disclaimer: Dick Scuttlebutt is not certified by any bars, especially not by Howl at the Moon in Destin, FL. Screw you, Terry.

Now that our Commander in Chief is pardoning people for wild, unconscionable war crimes left and right, it falls upon us humble guardhouse lawyers to declare what is, and is not, still to be treated as a legitimate crime. After many hours—and scotches!—and in consultation with some actual lawyers on DB staff, here is Duffel Blog’s expert legal opinion on the stuff that can still get you thrown in a federal, pound-you-in-the-ass prison.

  1. Losing your bayonet.

2. Buggery. Of course, we don’t mean butt stuff. In 2019, of course that’s okay. We mean crashing the horse-drawn buggy used in the III Corps change-of-command ceremony.

3. Not contributing to AUSA when sergeant major comes around.

4. Outdated MEDPROS. God forbid you’re not inoculated against a disease which hasn’t been seen in the western world since 1919. And we’re not saying that literally insane person Jenny McCarthy is right, but since we started getting all these shots we can no longer eat eggs and can hear the color purple.

5. Hey, remember when she was married to Jim Carrey? Now she’s married to Mark Wahlberg’s somehow even uglier brother. What a fun marriage that must be. To know every waking second that your wife got railed by Ace Ventura. Woof.

6. Double leopardy.

6a. Skullduggery.

7. Making eye contact with your first sergeant’s wife. Don’t. Just ... just don’t. She’s a late-thirties uneducated housewife who married this big strong soldier with stars in her eyes, expecting to travel the world and send mysterious and romantic postcards from places like Singapore and Khartoum and Rome. Instead, she’s lived in every shitty little military town in CONUS and is married to a guy who works 14 hour days, six days a week, and clearly loves the job more than her. Literally, a single drop of attention will cause her to leap onto your penis or clam. Just do not.

8. Making fun of the president. Whatever you do, don’t make fun of his ludicrous hair, his hilarious cheap fake tan, his insane family, his glandular shrieking Twitter account, his worship of dictators and tyrants, his tendency to throw his best friends under the bus, his gleefully public marital infidelity, or the fact that until 30 seconds ago, he was a lifelong liberal Democrat and close personal friend of all the big names on the left. Don’t mention any of that.

9. Referring to Clothing Sales as “Clothing and Sales.”

10. Impetuousness.

11. Perfidy.

12. Bathroom banditry. Don’t even ask me about that one.

13. Unlicensed libertarianism.

14. Pasta-tution. Yeah, you heard me.

15. Exotic animals in the barracks. Your suite mates don’t want to have to clean sasquatch hair out of the shower, you asshole. Although it’s probably no worse than when I lived with my Egyptian battle buddy.

16. Personating an officer.

Justin Coates, Dirty, and Jack S. McQuack contributed to this article.