Lesbians, Lance Corporals compete for shortest engagements

WASHINGTON—According to a study released this week by the Partnership for Marriage, lesbians are in tough competition with Lance Corporals for the nation’s shortest engagements.

“We were surprised how quickly lesbian couples could go from meeting each other to marriage,” said Nancy Elder, a spokeswoman for the group. “But when we started researching Lance Corporals we found they had similar dating and marriage patterns.”

Elder went on to explain that while meeting other lesbians has gotten easier through dating apps and social acceptance, meeting women when stationed at Camp Lejeune has not improved over time, “and honestly if a girl goes out with you twice you better lock it down.”

“Marines have adapted to close the gap,” continued Elder. “For example, the old joke is that a lesbian couple will bring a moving truck and a turkey baster to their second date. But we found many of our Lance Corporals were already pregnant on the first date.”

The Partnership expects that the two groups have a lot to gain from sharing information with each other.

“We were finding that lesbian Lance Corporal couples had adorable engagement photos of both sets of boots and a save the date card on Instagram before the average straight couple had even met in person. If this kind of innovation keeps up, the barracks will empty out so fast we won’t even need them anymore.”