Local boy joins Marines, returns a boy

PANTUCKET, Okla. — Local boy Dan Winters returned from Marine boot camp earlier this week, and according to numerous sources, he returned in the same emotionally stunted and immature condition he displayed the day he left for Parris Island.

Indeed, local residents were surprised to learn that Winters' behavior became noticeably more adolescent.

Winters originally enlisted in the Marine Corps to travel the world, serve his country, and earn a few bucks for college. Yet, only a month out of initial training, Jackson declined to set aside the monthly funds needed to receive future GI Bill benefits.

"I don't really see it as worth it. I mean, if I want to go to college later, I'll just take out some student loans," he told reporters. "Besides, this extra hundred dollars a month is helping me pay for the convertible Celeca I just got from the guy right off post."

Despite his newly acquired adult legal status, Winters has not learned any of the lessons required to acceptably function in modern society. Rather, his actions seem more chaotic, less reasonable, and display a general disregard for the safety of himself and others.

"Danny left right after he graduated high school. He was 18 and had his heart set on it. He wasn't a bad kid, per se... But he could be a bit of a hellion," said Joshua Winters, Dan's father. "I figured the Corps would straighten him out. You know, make a man out of him."

His father realized his hopes were misplaced after he discovered his son laying naked on the bathroom floor with a penis drawn on his forehead in permanent marker; a situation made all the more baffling due to the young man's lack of company the night before.

Further, in obvious approval seeking behavior, Winters made a point of wearing his Marine Corps camouflage uniform and booney cap each time he left the house. Spectators report that Winters intentionally wore his dog tags over his blouse, "so it would rattle and clink around, I guess," according to Susan Johnson, his high-school sweetheart.

On his third night of leave, Winters appeared at the local bar, where he incessantly told stories about boot camp and talked about his favorite new drink — Jagermeister. After a few drinks, he began picking fights with his high school friends, and openly weeping about a girl he once finger-banged at the movie theater when he was 15.

"You don't know man! I loved Suzie!" He drunkenly screamed at his best friend. "I'm going to propose," he added, with a drunken finality.

Winters' offenses were not limited to the barroom. He took every opportunity to talk down to civilians and veterans from other branches of service.

Indeed, on his penultimate day of leave he strolled into the local VFW, wearing a motto Marine t-shirt with matching red and gold tracksuit pants, and rebuffed anyone who was not a Marine. Winters went so far as to audibly antagonize a Vietnam Army veteran who was at Hamburger Hill.

"ARMY. A-R-M-Y. Ain't ready to be a Marine, yet!," he hollered at the wheelchair bound man. Winters was calmly asked to leave by the post commander moments later. The boy was later seen swerving between lanes in his mother's minivan while trying to pick up women in town.

Winters reportedly returned to his unit with stories about his time on leave and battle with gonorrhea.