PANTUCKET, Okla. — Local boy Dan Winters returned from Marine boot camp earlier this week, and according to numerous sources, he returned in the same emotionally stunted and immature condition he displayed the day he left for Parris Island.

Indeed, local residents were surprised to learn that Winters' behavior became noticeably more adolescent.

Winters originally enlisted in the Marine Corps to travel the world, serve his country, and earn a few bucks for college. Yet, only a month out of initial training, Jackson declined to set aside the monthly funds needed to receive future GI Bill benefits.

"I don't really see it as worth it. I mean, if I want to go to college later, I'll just take out some student loans," he told reporters. "Besides, this extra hundred dollars a month is helping me pay for the convertible Celeca I just got from the guy right off post."