FORT HOOD, TX — Second Platoon Leader Lt. Wilson Fraiser was recently replaced by a lovable, Dickensian, orphan chimney-sweep named Archibald Winters III, sources confirmed on Monday.

Such children were often found on the streets of 19th Century London and were made famous by the novels of Charles Dickens. Universally praised for their wily dispositions, resourcefulness, and can-do attitude, street orphans, such as Oliver Twist, often take work as chimney sweeps, muck gatherers, and factory hands.

Sources say Archibald was purchased by the Battalion S3 shop from a local workhouse for three Guineas, two shillings, and a ha'penny. His “Contracte off indenturefhip” provides that the young roustabout is indebted to work “during all houref of natural funlight and eight” and further provides for an annual surety of “one halfe” lumps of coal.

“This is part of a larger Army experiment concerning the continued viability of lower ranking officers,” reports Col. Ryan Jackson, Battalion Commander. “We feel that little Archie is going to fit right in with the team.”