JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. — Local Veterans of Foreign Wars Post 654 is currently trying to figure out how to both honor and ban their racist World War II veteran, sources report.
Eighty-seven-year-old Army veteran Mike Wallace comes to the post every day, where he shares stories about his time in the Pacific and the superiority of the white race.
"We beat those nips back quick," Wallace said. "No surprise they lost, they were sleeping the whole time! Of course we would've done it faster if it weren't for the blacks."
"He's a toxic presence and terrible for membership," Post commander Neil Tanner said. "He's driving people away because nobody wants to listen to his rants. But he's also our last remaining WWII veteran, so we'd look bad if we kicked him out."
"He also won a Silver Star on Breakneck Ridge so we respect him as the hero he is. Oh damn it, he's here," Tanner added as he saw Wallace.
"The Japs' had a huge line of trenches on Leyte," Wallace said. "We're moving up to assault and we got ambushed by two slants in a spider hole. A couple guys in my platoon were wounded. I laid down covering fire, tossed a grenade in the hole, then dragged the two wounded guys out of there. I wish we'd killed them all on that island. There'd be fewer of their kids here unable to drive."
Wallace spoke to Tanner for several minutes about the crime against humanity he witnessed when he heard two people in public speaking in Spanish. Minutes later Wallace started shouting at two 30 year-olds at the end of the bar, demanding to know if they dodged the draft during Vietnam. The two rolled their eyes and left.
Wallace pointed to President-Elect Trump on the television.
"He's a great man," he said. "We're going to war with China!"