Loud Vibrators Are Causing Soldier To Lose Sleep

FORT POLK, La. — Staff Sgt. Tina Lang, an Explosive Ordnance team leader taking part in pre-deployment mass war-game training at the Joint Readiness Training Center at Ft. Polk, needs her sleep.

But according to Lang, it is impossible to sleep over the racket of multiple vibrators in her sleeping quarters.

“It has been this way since the sergeant major made me move in here. I was doing fine in the same building as my company,” Lang said, referring to 790th EOD Company, “but he said it was inappropriate to sleep in the same building as males. That’s bullshit, they’re like my brothers, nobody is doing anything inappropriate in there.”

“But here I am, and damn it, every night, the second we hit lights out, the vibrator buzzing starts,” Lang said, rubbing her eyes and yawning. “And then the heavy breathing and even some moaning. For fucking hours it goes. Honestly, how much can you masturbate in one night? Don’t these bitches have work in the morning? I mean, get a quick nut in, but then let the rest of us get some fucking sleep.”

“Jesus,” she added.

Fellow soldiers in the same sleep building confirmed Lang’s version of the situation, with one adding that she counted more than 25 of her colleagues as using vibrators every night. No solution seemed to be forthcoming, as unit commanders — all male — displayed extreme hesitation to address the problem with senior female NCOs.

“Yeah, I can’t do that,” said Capt. Tom Irving, commander of the 790th. “Asking a bunch of female NCOs about vibrators? Even bringing it up would get me some kind of EO complaint. Tina will just have to tough it out. We’ve got the EOD 24-hour STX lanes starting in a couple of days, and after that The Box starts, so she’ll be out sleeping in her JERRV. So this problem will solve itself soon.”

At press time, despite repeated warnings from the Sergeant Major and Capt. Irving, Lang had snuck her duffel bags out and moved back into the company sleep building, and was finally sleeping soundly. Duffel Blog consulted with astronomers and religious experts and confirmed that the Earth had not crashed into the Sun as a result, nor had the Apocalypse begun.