Lieutenant Assumes Warrant Officer Must Be At Work If His Hat's Here

FORT DRUM, NEW YORK — Army Lt. James Whetmore of 2nd Battalion, 10th Combat Aviation Brigade is certain Chief Warrant Officer 3 Donny Johnson must be present for duty today.

"I haven't seen Johnson today, but he must be hard at work doing something," said Whetmore this morning. "I mean, it's 1000 and his hat's on his desk, so he must be somewhere in the hangar. I know I told him to finish up that sensitive items inventory, so he must be doing that."

According to witnesses, Whetmore entered Johnson's office every hour on the hour until 3 p.m. Each time, Whetmore discovered Johnson's hat and a half-empty can of soda on the absent warrant officer's desk.

"I just can't explain why I can't find him," Whetmore told colleagues, "when, clearly, all evidence points to the fact he must be somewhere around here."

Whetmore dismissed speculation that Johnson may have placed an extra hat on his desk as a ruse to cover up the fact he was at home taking a Warrant Officer Mid-Afternoon Nap, or "WOMAN," as a "baseless conspiracy theory."

"Nah, I'm sure he's here at work today," Whetmore said just before locking up. "I'll keep looking."