THE PENTAGON – An unnamed Marine died yesterday after a prolonged battle with unchecked hair growth, Pentagon officials announced today.
The deceased had also been identified as being positively infected with COVID-19, the hypervirulent pathogen responsible for over 136,000 deaths worldwide and a global economic meltdown.
“We tell our Marines to have a fresh haircut every week for this exact reason,” said Sgt. Maj. Troy Black, Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. “As we all know too well, every instruction out there is written in blood.”
The Marine’s name and unit will not be released until next of kin have been notified, but a spokesperson did confirm the determined cause of death was a severe lack of discipline.
“We still don’t know much about this invisible enemy, but we do know it hates discipline,” said Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “It may seem superficial to some, but getting a haircut is part of that discipline.”
“A lot of people know John Basilone was killed in action on Iwo,” Milley continued. “What they don’t know is that ‘Manila’ John was playing fast and loose with Marine Corps grooming standards.”
While the Navy and Air Force have promulgated instructions relaxing grooming standards to better enforce effective social distancing, the Marine Corps has steadfastly remained committed to optimizing force lethality.
“All I’m saying is that the Navy ain’t getting haircuts and they’ve got 600 cases of Corona on the Teddy Roosevelt. I’ll leave it at that,” Milley concluded.