Marine Commandant Hosts Book Burning At 8th & I

WASHINGTON — In the wake of censuring the Marine Corps Times and removing it from prominent newsstand locations at base exchange stores worldwide, Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. James Amos continued his campaign of ‘professionalization’ by hosting a book burning at the Marine Barracks 8th & I, sources confirmed today.

After publishing a directive prohibiting commanders from using budget funds to purchase the Times, Amos ordered a barracks-wide search for ‘Marine Times contraband’ and other publications he viewed as subversive or undermined his ‘Awakening’ movement.

“We’re trying to reawaken the ethical character of our Marines,” said Amos. “Intellectual activity outside the approved Commandant’s Reading List is a danger to the purity of Marine character.”

Offensive books like Terminal Lance‘s popular ‘Knife Hands’ and Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler’s ‘War Is A Racket’ were hurled through barracks windows Wednesday evening in what lance corporals are now referring to as ‘The Field Day of Broken Glass.’ Working parties unceremoniously dumped the books on the 8th & I parade deck along with copies of Marine Corps Times.

Also among the contraband publications was a three volume set of ‘The Complete Calvin And Hobbes.’

“The ‘Marine Corps Enquirer’ and these other morally corrupt tomes promote an ideology that is strictly un-Marine,” said Amos while hurling kerosene on a stack of ‘impure’ literature. “They fly in the face of the ethical reawakening of the Marine spirit. We need a literary purge of our base exchanges and barracks rooms. Today starts a new age of Marine strength and purity that will last a thousand years.”

With that the Commandant wiped his ass with the latest issue of Marine Corps Times then lit it on fire before throwing it on the heap of subversive material.

“Marines! The age of arrogant journalistic intellectualism is now at an end!” exclaimed Amos over the flames. “We are doing the right thing at this midnight hour — to consign to the flames the unclean spirit of the past twelve years. This is a great, powerful, and symbolic act. Out of these ashes the phoenix of a new Corps will arise. Oh Century! Oh Science! It is a joy to be alive!”

As the bonfire erupted in flames accompanied by working parties singing the Marine’s Hymn, Gen. Amos revealed a new periodical to be added to the front areas of exchanges across the Corps. Titled “Reveille” it will be the official publication of the Marine awakening.

“Reveille,” set to hit newsstands later this week, will feature tips and tricks to get a better PFT score, advice on proper uniform wear, and a new Terminal Lance-esque comic strip called “Oohrah Devil Dog.”

At the completion of the Commandant’s D.C.-area book burning, Amos told reporters he would conduct similar cleansing events from the “2nd Marines in North Carolina all the way to the 3rd Marine Reich in Hawaii.”